Masks of Protection: Part 7

By: Stacy L.

He stood tall and so very silent. She had seen him here so many times gazing off into the distance. She often wondered what it was her master saw when he did so. She sensed his pain ran deep and despite her fear of him she felt a need to go to him. She felt drawn to him and wanted to offer comfort, for at times he seemed lost like her. Seeing the similarities between herself and her master made her feel extremely uneasy. She sensed that he knew, that he understood her better than anyone but how? How could he know anything about her or her feelings, especially when he had never suffered as she had? How could he understand her if he had never suffered himself? Perhaps, perhaps she had been much too quick to judge him and perhaps…

She slid beside him silently, wanting to speak with him, afraid to do so and seemingly unable to put voice to her thoughts so she remained silent aware that yet again they fell into an uncomfortable silence. Shifting nervously she turned her gaze on him. She watched him noticing the way he held his body more compact, the way he gazed ahead not focusing on anything but seemingly unable to look at her. She watched as he licked his lips before shuffling from foot to foot. She was positive he would say nothing but he surprised her, “You once asked me how I could understand you…”

Sam tensed shaking her head before forcing out, “I had no right I…”

“No. No. Let me finish.”

“But…”

“No. Please?”

“Um oh…okay. Go…go ahead.”

Nodding he continued, “You accused me of never having been beaten or lashed for insubordination…”

“I shouldn’t have.”

Daniel glanced at her briefly imploring, “Please?”

She hesitated before nodding as he continued, “You said I never struggled to find food or went without. You said I was never…tied down, forced to endure another touching, pawing, demanding…”

“Daniel stop.”

He paused surprised by her usage of his first name. He swallowed hard shaking his head before continuing, “You were wrong.”

“What?”

“You were wrong. I…I know how that feels, Sam. I know what it’s like to be made to give yourself, give your body to another to be used.”

“What? I don’t… I don’t understand.”

He hesitated swallowing hard knowing he had to continue. He had to talk about it and she had to hear it. She was so lost, so very alone. He sensed that she felt alone, as if she were the only one to have suffered the horrendous effects of assault and rape. He would see her sometimes staring off in the distance her gaze not focused her shoulders slumped. It was at those times he feared she was lost forever. She’d remain so still, so quiet, not moving. Occasionally a stray tear or two would roll down her cheeks but never more than that. She didn’t cry, perhaps she had forgotten how. Her life he sensed was a hard one. She was a survivor like him, only he feared that what had happened to her recently might be the last draw, one could only take so much before they hit the end of their endurance where they wandered past the point of fighting. Where they were ready to give up and surrender. If she did that now she’d be lost and so would Cassie.

He tried to give her space and distance knowing she needed it hoping it would help but it hadn’t, not much anyway. What she needed was a little help. She needed to know she wasn’t alone, that she wasn’t the only one to have suffered such atrocities and that’s why he had to tell her about his past, why he chose to tell her, so lowering his head and swallowing his fear he began, “My uncle…”

“Oh God…”

Continuing as if he hadn’t heard her and knowing if he stopped now he’d never find the courage to speak to her about his past again he revealed, “He did that…to me. Touched me, pawed at me…he, he…he was obsessed with me. I… That’s how they died…protecting me from him. He…he wanted me…he was determined to…to take me.”

Not wanting to believe him Sam started to protest, “No I don’t…”

“Believe it, you don’t believe it but it’s true, Sam.”

“But… No. No. How could…? No one understands!”

“I do.”

“But how? How could you possibly…?”

“Because I’ve been there Sam. I’ve been there.”

“But…”

Deciding that it was time to share more of his past with another he continued, “Sam after my parents died my uncle took me in and raised me. He opened his home to me…and chose to entertain himself daily by beating on me. I decided to run from him when I was old enough. I almost succeeded but was recaptured. Upon being returned to my uncle he announced that I was a runaway slave, HIS runaway slave. To punish me for daring to run he forced me to walk the auction block and sold me to the highest bidder…”

Swallowing hard and uncertain as to how to respond to the newest revelations her “master” was revealing to her Sam questioned, “He sold you? He sold you to…to punish you?”

“Yes.”

“For running away?”

“And refusing his advances.”

“His advances?”

“Yes.”

She wanted to offer comfort but was too afraid and uncertain so she lowered her gaze licking her lips nervously before focusing on him again.

Daniel glanced at her briefly before continuing, “I was, still am a slave. I’m a runaway slave Sam.”

“WHAT?”

“I spent three years with my uncle. Three years of fighting him, resisting him, being hurt by him for senseless crimes he claimed I committed and I spent eight years as an indentured servant to Master Lomax…”

Sam’s eyes widened before she gasped breathlessly, “Lomax? You…but he’s still… I mean he’s…”

“He’s still a slave master, Sam. The man who owned me is dead now but the son inherited and kept things running…”

“But, but that would… I mean he doesn’t just grant his slaves freedom that would make you…”

“A runaway slave, Sam, that would make me a runaway slave.”

“But, but I…well um… I…”

“In the eyes of all those who know how a slave master runs his business I am still a slave, still property. I still belong to him. His son inherited so now I’m the property of his son’s.”

“But that, that’s just… How, how could you…? I mean…”

He could see her confusion, her attempt to understand and accept what he was telling her. He could see his admission was creating more questions in her then answers. He watched, waiting, tensing as she glanced at him intently before she said, “That’s why you wear the cloak, isn’t it? To conceal your face, to be ignored and forgotten in a crowd of people, isn’t it? The cloak doesn’t hide scars. It hides your identity. It conceals who you truly are.”

Daniel only nodded. She continued, “Do you really think you would be recognized. I mean who would…”

“Sam, come on. Look at me. I’m fair skinned and blue eyed. It’s obvious that I’m not Egyptian. I may know the language, the customs, how to dress, how to carry myself when among them but it’s also obvious that I’m not Egyptian, that alone would draw the attention of many. I already stand out. I look exotic, and that intrigues people.”

“Exotic?”

“Like you. To these people we’re exotic because we’re so very different. Most people here are not fair skinned. Most people here don’t have blue eyes. We stand out already. I was with Lomax for eight years, Sam, eight years. In that time I’ve gotten older but I still look as I did then just more distinguished if you would. Older but still I look the same. Lomax rarely sold his slaves once he purchased them. He held onto them. His son still holds onto them. Many that are there would recognize me instantly because even being among them I still looked different. I was accepted, taken care of, protected but they all knew I hadn’t been a slave all my life. Most of those people would protect me but some…some wouldn’t. There are many who could recognize me instantly.”

“So why are you still here living so close to one who…? Why?”

“Because this is the last place they’d look for a runaway slave, Sam. I have a reputation for paying high prices for slaves others believe aren’t worth a damn. I pay big bucks to purchase another. I’ll buy those who others deem less worthy of being bought. I also buy some slaves that are high in demand. I pick and choose. It’s very hard to do because there are so many, but I have to decide who needs rescuing the most. The others they respect me because I pay so much, because I purchase so many and because I own so many. They respect me because of the reputation I built so for the most part they leave me alone. They accept the cloak and they tolerate it. The rumor is that my face is horribly disfigured, that I have scars I’m ashamed of so I wear the cloak to conceal them. They accept that explanation fairly easily. They tolerate me and they tolerate the cloak because I’m willing to pay so much for a slave, because I own so many.”

“But what if someone should come here and…?”

“They don’t know me. They don’t know what I look like. Some actually fear me. The cloak disturbs some people, has a weird effect on them. Some are frightened by it or uneasy so they don’t visit. Others who are comfortable with the cloak aren’t so comfortable with having to possibly face a man who’s disfigured or severely scarred. It makes people uneasy. They avoid me. Very few appear without first calling and if they tell me they’re going to visit… We work the fields and do up keep. We work as a team, to those who visit nothing seems amiss.”

“But what if someone ever discovered your true identity?”

“Then I’d be captured, taken to my master and properly punished. Once the punishment is served then I’d be tortured for information.”

“What? Wh…why?”

“Because I helped so many slaves escape their masters. Some of those who live here now are runaway slaves who are still being hunted. They’d torture me for what I know and then kill me, probably put my body on display as an example of what happens to those who aid others and dare to escape their masters. It wouldn’t be pretty.”

“Doesn’t that scare you?”

“Well yes but I know what could happen. It’s the risk I take in doing as I am. I take many precautions to protect and guard the identities of those who live here, who I’ve rescued so that they won’t ever be found again. Only I would suffer. The others would be free and I’ll die protecting everyone here.”

Sam didn’t know what to say to that. She could see now that he was speaking the truth. He’d die protecting those he rescued. He’d be tortured to death but would never give over the information his tormentors wanted.

He was walking a mighty fine line and risking a lot, and all to offer slaves a chance at a new life…

* * * *

One Week Later…

He stood gazing out the window not focusing on anything in particular, wondering if he had made a mistake telling Daniel how he truly felt about him. Since that day he had seen very little of the man certain he was attempting avoidance. It disturbed him more than a little those last words Daniel spoke with such sorrow and despair. Daniel couldn’t accept what he had told him, but why? Why couldn’t he?

He remembered speaking with Layla afterwards. She too had sounded sad and disturbed by what had occurred. She had said it could take time, lots of time, for Daniel to accept his words and accept him but to not become upset because it wasn’t his fault nor Daniel’s. The fault fell on someone else, on someone else but who was that someone and what had they done to Daniel to make him so afraid of being loved by another?

Shaking his head he sighed heavily. As he approached Daniel’s room he was nervous. He needed to speak with him but hesitated. As he drew to a stop outside the room he noticed that the door was slightly ajar and slowly pushed it open halting only when he noticed Daniel was pulling on a shirt. He swallowed convulsively as he gazed upon the man’s backside noting the distinct marks that crisscrossed it before the shirt slid completely into place. Without thought he quietly pulled the door back shut before slipping on down the hall waiting until he was far enough away before allowing the full impact of seeing those marks hit him. He clenched his eyes tightly shut knowing what had created them and determined to keep silent about his newest discovery. If Daniel wanted to speak of them he would, but he’d do so when HE was ready, not before. Nodding his head in silent affirmation he continued to his own room determined to remain silent about his newest discovery and knowing instinctively that Daniel Jackson had truly suffered in his lifetime.

It took him several days before he regained the courage to again make his way to Daniel’s room and this time he WOULD speak with the man. Arriving at his destination he controlled his features and reached for the door noting that it was slightly ajar. His hand briefly shook as he recalled the sight he had beheld the last time he came upon this particular door ajar. Swallowing hard he pushed back the image and knockedm hearing a quiet prompt he entered. The occupant of the room turned gazing at him before softly uttering, “Jack.”

He nodded before saying, “We need to talk Daniel” and braced himself for rejection, pausing when Daniel only quietly replied, “I know.”

Surprised and caught off guard by the remark all he could manage was a strained, “What?”

“Come here Jack.”

“Are you…?”

Daniel inclined his head as he entreated, “Please.”

Nodding he turned and closed the door before approaching and settling beside Daniel unsure of how to proceed.

As they sat side by side a lengthy silence slipped between them. He gazed at Daniel silently imploring him to speak, to say what was on his mind but the man did nothing except stare at the floor. As long seconds stretched into minutes Jack grew certain that Daniel wouldn’t speak and opted for offering him an out, “I’ll…I’ll come back…”

Instantly Daniel reached out grasping his hand while requesting, “No please. Please don’t go.”

Jack gazed worriedly at the man then nodded as he uttered, “Okay. So…?”

Daniel hesitated only a few moments before speaking in a hushed whisper as he confessed, “I…I love you too.”

“What?”

He turned then staring intently into Jack’s eyes before continuing, “But please don’t you hurt me, Jack.”

His throat constricted as he gazed into eyes of crystal blue and saw uncertainty there. He softened his voice reassuring, “I could never hurt you Daniel. Never.”

Daniel abruptly broke eye contact forcing out, “I’ve heard those words before Jack and they were a lie.”

Inhaling sharply he controlled his reaction to the confession as he reaffirmed in a softer voice, “Well I’m not lying, Daniel. I would never hurt you. I couldn’t bear to see you in any amount of pain. It would hurt me too much…”

Daniel returned his gaze and Jack held his breath noting the way Daniel’s eyes were now glistening brightly with unshed tears as he softly uttered, “Can you keep that promise Jack?”

“Yes Daniel I can.”

Daniel continued to gaze at him and as Jack returned the gaze he read so much in those eyes: fear, pain, hope, mistrust, love they were all present in one shade or another and he vowed to never hurt Daniel the way he no doubt had been hurt in the past. He would die before he hurt Daniel and to that he would hold.

Daniel having noticed the truth in Jack’s eyes as he spoke those words chose to nod before quietly saying, “Then there’s something you should know.”

Jack tensed afraid and uncertain of just what Daniel had a need to tell him. He found he couldn’t speak as his throat constricted more so he simply nodded.

Daniel continued, “This isn’t easy for me to say and won’t be easy for you to hear but if we are planning to give this…relationship a chance you have to be told.”

“Of what?”

“Of why I…why it’s so hard for me to… You just need to know Jack.”

“Okay Daniel okay.”

“Um… I, um… I don’t know how to begin.”

“That’s okay. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Daniel pinned him with an astute gaze as he said with certainty, “You may after you hear what I have to say Jack.”

Silence settled between them once more stretching before Daniel broke it, “When I was younger I, my parents were killed and I…I was taken in by another who…hurt me often. He…the things he did created a deep fear in me of…of being touched, Jack. I…I can barely tolerate another’s touch upon my body…”

“But Layla…”

“With Layla it’s different.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Because she raised me I…she… I don’t fear her touch. I’m not afraid of her because I know she’ll never hurt me…not intentionally. Others however…”

Nodding in understanding Jack asked another question finding he needed it answered, “Is he the only one who ever…?”

“No. No Jack but he’s the reason we need to have this discussion. You need to know that things will have to move very slowly. I have to… I have some adjusting I have to do. I…I could freeze on you at any moment especially if we decide to take this…relationship towards intimacy. I need you to know that it’s not your fault and to expect…things won’t be easy.”

“I understand.”

“Do you? My normal response to touch is to scream Jack, to scream, to fight, to lash out, to yank away, to cringe… It, I’m…I’m afraid of it Jack and not just a little. It’s not something that will be easily overcome. It’s been well ingrained in me Jack to expect physical touch of any kind to hurt, to be painful, to be dangerous and unsafe. I…to get beyond my defenses isn’t going to be easy for you…”

“You don’t trust me.”

“Oh I trust you but only to a certain extent. You need to understand Jack this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me, with my past, with him. I want to trust your touch but it’s very difficult to… I don’t know how I’ll react to it. I…I don’t know if you holding me will trigger panic or if you kissing me will trigger…screaming. I…I don’t know Jack. One day I may be fine, normal and the next day I may cower from you. I just don’t know. The question is can you handle that? Can you accept that is a part of me? Can you be there for me even if I pull away from you in the night or shove you away in fear, or cower from your upraised hand? Can you tolerate, or rather can you handle that Jack? Can you accept me for who I am? Can you accept all of me? Can you love me for who I am Jack because if you can’t, if you can’t then we need to end this relationship right here, right now.”

Reaching out to gently cup Daniel’s face he nodded answering, “Yes I can Daniel.”

Daniel flinched more from surprise than fear unsure of what to say next and opting for, “Don’t lie to me Jack. If you’re not all right with this I’ll understand, but don’t you lie to me. Please.”

Seeing Daniel’s vulnerability Jack knew that lying now would destroy any chance of having anything with Daniel and vowed, “I’m not lying to you, Daniel. I love you. I love ALL of you. I love you and I don’t intend to leave you so you had better get used to me because I’m not going anywhere without you.”

Licking his lips nervously wanting to trust but afraid to he replied, “Don’t make me regret this Jack, please. I can’t handle it.”

Softening his voice further Jack leaned over and pulled Daniel against him wrapping one arm around him while reaching up to cup Daniel’s now downcast face in the other. When Daniel glanced shyly up Jack smiled saying, “You won’t Daniel. You won’t.”

“Jack I’ve been alone most of my life having to rely on myself to get through some of the hardest parts of it. I’ve been hurt Jack. I’ve been hurt terribly. I…I don’t let anyone get too close. It’s too dangerous to let people get close to you. It makes you vulnerable, susceptible, exposed… I… Things won’t be easy Jack. I… You have to understand that and you have to accept it.”

“And I’ve already told you I would, that I am. I love you Daniel. I don’t know how else to tell you that. I love you…”

Swallowing harder Daniel forced out words so soft that Jack barely caught them, “Then show me.”

Silence fell between them for several pain staking moments before Jack questioned, “Are you sure?”

Daniel jerked his head up releasing a rapid, “What?” to which Jack responded by leaning in and capturing his lips. Daniel at first tried to resist but in mere moments he was moaning quietly in pleasure unconsciously lowering back onto the mattress and opening himself up to feel…

PART 8

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