Masks of Protection: Part 6

By: Stacy L.

Sam watched him thinking of what they had discussed so recently. In that discussion the master had implied that he had been where she was, that he knew what it felt like to be robbed of dignity and identity. How could he know what that was like? How? He had said that Cassie knew and trusted him because of what she knew about him. He had suffered and she knew but how? How could she know that?

What happened to him in his past? Had he really been through trauma or was that just a ploy to get her to trust him? She couldn’t trust men. They weren’t trustworthy. They always took what they wanted and never gave anything in return, but Daniel Jackson was different. She was sure of it and that scared her even more because he was unlike any other man she had ever met. He was…nice and he was kind. He seemed to actually care and that was so unexpected, so very different from what she expected. She didn’t know how to deal with that, with him, because he was so unlike any man she had ever met.

Shaking her head she watched as he approached Jack O’Neill. Him she didn’t know very well. He rarely spoke with her or the others. He seemed like a loner, one who kept people always at a distance never allowing anyone to get close to him…except Daniel Jackson. Why? Why was he the exception to the rule? Why was he the one the silent man spoke with always? She watched them now as they spoke, the discussion appeared serious and disturbing to both men. As she saw her master pale she wondered what had been said to create the intense reaction. She continued to watch wondering what was being said and sensing the tension building as O’Neill seemed to now be crowding her master. As she noticed the increase in his discomfort she grew even more disturbed knowing, sensing the conversation was extremely intense and very important, but what was being said and why did both men seem to be so greatly disturbed?

* *

“You have a question you’ve been wanting to ask me Jack, so just ask it.”

He hesitated knowing the reaction he’d get the moment he released the question and dreading it but the need to know fueled his desire to seek the answer, “Why does a nickname bother you?”

Daniel tensed unprepared for that particular question. He knew Jack had wanted to know something but wouldn’t ask it, so he decided to urge him to do so. The last thing he expected was a question about his nickname. He jerked his head up in surprise feeling ill in response as Jack said, “Why don’t you like to be called Danny?”

Jack watched noticing the sudden sickly pallor of Daniel’s face. Again he received a disturbing reaction to the nickname, but he so wanted to know just why it made the man react so…intensely. He took a step towards Daniel noting how the man took a step back, retreating. What? He reached out drawing the man’s hand into his as he stepped closer, crowding Daniel wanting, needing his question answered.

Daniel reacted immediately placing his left hand against Jack’s chest prepared to push him away or at least keep him at arms length. As Jack took another step towards him this time invading his personal space Daniel found his body freezing. He couldn’t move except to place his hand firmly against Jack’s chest. As the man leaned closer softly prodding, “Why does it bother you so much?” Daniel could feel his warm breath. He swallowed hard feeling fear and nervousness pump throughout his body. He was scared but still he couldn’t move. He never allowed someone to get as physically close as Jack now was for more than a few scant seconds, so why was Jack different?

As Jack’s breath continued to bathe his cheek Daniel became aware of the hot tingle within that seemed to begin at the root of his manhood. SHIT! He was attracted to Jack! No, no that was… Of course he knew it to be true but managed to keep at a distance…until now. Now Jack was before him hovering close enough to kiss him…or hurt him. Close enough to hurt him? That realization made him speak, “Jack please stop.”

“Stop what?”

“I don’t… I… You’re too close.”

Too close? What a stupid thing to say! Great. He sounded like a moron. Too close? What the hell was he doing?

He nervously licked his lips staring intently at Jack frozen in place, uncertain as to just what the man was thinking. He tensed further as Jack voiced the question still echoing in his own mind, “Too close?”

“Yes, yes please move.”

“Please move?”

Jack cocked his head to the left as he leaned towards Daniel fully aware of the desire flaring within as he realized just HOW close he was to Daniel. As the realization sunk in he became physically aware of the man too and his body began responding accordingly. Shit!

He knew that he should give Daniel his space but couldn’t make his feet comply. Instead he wanted to kiss the man, to kiss those soft moist stubborn lips into silence. Without thought he started to respond to his body’s needs and leaned in prepared to capture Daniel’s lips in his own.

Daniel felt his breath hitch aware that Jack was going to kiss him, knowing he needed to halt it but not wanting to do so. No. He wanted this so badly, wanted to feel the soft pressure of those lips on his, wanted to be caught up in the sparks he was certain would be present upon the contact and wanted to be held so close, so tightly in those strong arms, but he also wanted to run. He wanted to run fast and far, as far away as he could possibly get from this man, this man who could both hurt him and love him, this man who could overpower him…

He felt his fear build as that realization struck and started pushing Jack away but not before Jack brushed his lips ever so softly across his own making his body flood with warmth, making him cry out as he pulled back. Shit, he was practically panting! What the fuck? He licked his lips aware of the heat now caressing his face and of the feeling of longing that light pressure fueled within. He wanted to be kissed again longer, harder, deeper…

He shook his head attempting to clear it from the fog now enveloping it managing to release a breathless question, “What was it you wanted to know again?”

“Don’t remember,” with that said Jack again captured Daniel’s lips in his own deepening the kiss and drawing a soft moan from the man before him as he did so. As he broke the kiss a second time both began gasping for air, shocked by their responses to one another and both afraid of what it meant.

Daniel was the first to place distance between them managing a quick, “I have to go,” and turning before Jack halted his retreat by uttering his name. Daniel closed his eyes keeping his back to Jack who asked, “After that? After what just happened you have to leave?”

“Yes Jack.”

“Well shouldn’t we, I don’t know maybe TALK about this?”

Silence answered his question, which turned his desire rapidly into anger, but why was he getting so angry all of a sudden? He snapped, “Didn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Yes it did Jack, that’s WHY I have to leave.”

“What? Why?”

“Because it scares me… YOU scare me.”

With that said Daniel left. Jack stared after him in shock. He was completely unprepared for that confession and had no idea how to react to it. Without thought he set off in search of Layla and upon finding her he announced much louder than intended, “Just what the hell happened to him?”

Layla turned surprised by the sudden intrusion and shocked by the directness of the question. She turned to face Jack knowing whom he was asking about but choosing to act ignorant of the fact as she casually greeted, “Well hello Jack. How are you?”

“Tell me.”

“Tell you? Just what would you like me to tell you Jack?”

“What happened to him?”

“Why whomever do you mean?”

Feeling irritated Jack snapped, “Daniel. You know damned well I mean Daniel!”

She gazed at him intently before nodding and answering, “So I do. Why don’t you start by telling me what happened to send you on a direct path to me demanding what happened to him?”

Still feeling irritated Jack gritted his teeth before continuing, “I came to you because you know him better than anyone else.”

“Perhaps. Perhaps not.”

“What happened to him?”

“What happened between the two of you?”

“I, he… We…”

She nodded, understanding already appearing in her eyes. She knew, somehow she knew what had happened already. How the hell…?

“I raised him Jack, of course I know what happened. The two of you couldn’t speak of how you feel for one another so one of you acted on it. I’m guessing that was you?”

She looked at him questioningly before continuing, “Yes, it was you and he took off.”

“He said I scared him…that it scared him.”

“And it does Jack, more than you’ll ever know. It scares him to death to allow someone that close, to allow someone to touch him as you no doubt have.”

“All we did was kiss, nothing else…”

“That’s why he’s afraid Jack. He wants you. He desires you. I believe he even loves you, but he’s scared to death of you.”

“Why? WHY?”

“Because you have power over him.”

“WHAT? That’s the stupidest…”

“It may seem stupid to you, to one who hasn’t suffered like he has but this isn’t you we’re talking about Jack, this is DANIEL and I assure you his life was not easy. He has a lot of demons in the closet, Jack. He has a lot of healing to do. He’s been hurt. He’s been used. He’s been abused. He has suffered things no one would believe but still he remains strong, steadfast and determined…”

“What did happen to him?”

“A lot of things that shouldn’t have.”

“A lot of things that…that doesn’t answer my question!”

“No, not in the detail you would like, but it does answer your question Jack.”

“Tell me what happened to him.”

“It’s not my place to tell you what has happened to him. It’s his place Jack.”

“He’ll never tell me…”

“He may never tell you, but do you really need to know?”

“YES!”

“Why?”

“Because…because…”

“Because why?”

“I… I… Please tell me.”

“All you really need to know is that he has suffered. He has had a very hard difficult life. He has demons in the closet that still need slain, you don’t need to know anything else.”

“Why?”

“Because that should be enough, Jack. If you love him that HAS to be enough.”

“But what if it’s not?”

“Then you risk losing him.”

“How?”

“You cannot force someone to tell you of their past. The decision is theirs to make. It has to be THEIR decision.”

“But why?”

“Jack, you don’t need me to answer that question. You already know the answer.”

Lowering his head and sighing loudly he replied, “I suppose I do. Thank you.”

He turned to leave when Layla stopped him, “Jack I will tell you this. When Daniel loves it is with his whole heart, his whole soul, his WHOLE being that he loves. It is a great gift that he offers. Please don’t make him regret giving that gift to you.”

“But he hasn’t…”

“Hasn’t he?”

She left letting those final words permeate the air, giving Jack the answer he already knew. Daniel already loved him but fear and the ghosts of his past were holding him back, so he had a choice to make: walk away from Daniel Jackson, from the man who had purchased him, the man who was his master and whom he vowed to hate or stay with him, love him, care for him, comfort him and help him to conquer the demons that held him back. He should leave, after all Daniel had claimed numerous times that he was free to leave at ANY time, but if he walked out on Daniel Jackson now he’d lose something, someone far more precious than his foolish pride because though he vowed to hate and despise his master he knew now that was no longer true, for his master not only held him but he held his heart in his hands and if he walked out on Daniel Jackson now…his heart would be forever severed from his body.

* *

He knew he was being childish going to extreme lengths to avoid Jack O’Neill. He knew it but wasn’t sure if he could face the man again, not after their last meeting, not after that kiss that brought him to life and made him ache, made him long to become more to Jack than just an acquaintance. He tried desperately to avoid him knowing it was silly and feeling so ridiculous but he couldn’t stop himself. He wasn’t ready to face Jack, not yet. He wasn’t ready to…

“We need to talk, Daniel.”

He jerked his head up shocked and startled by the voice tensing further when he saw the owner of that voice. Almost instantly heat began to build within, desire started to sing through his veins and he felt breathless. He felt the longing within, the need to respond to that voice, to go to the one speaking to him fill him. He cleared his throat swallowing hard before managing, “About what?”

As the man stepped towards him he knew he should run fast and far. He had to keep distance between them because when they were close to one another…

“About this.”

Daniel managed to squeak out a tiny, “What?” before hands, his hands were on his arms, his breath again bathing his cheek as Jack O’Neill hovered scant inches from him their lips so close as Jack gazed deeply into his eyes continuing, “About us. About what’s happening between us.”

Daniel felt the urge to capture those supple lips, knew all he had to do was lean forward and he’d feel those moist soft lips against his own. He inhaled shakily finding he wanted to push Jack away but unable to move as he nervously flicked his tongue across his lower lip before answering huskily, “Nothing’s happening…” all the while his body was singing, aching, craving, needing and wanting. His body was reacting so intensely to the man so close and as he attempted to regain control of his senses Jack leaned in for the kill pressing his lips firmly against his own making Daniel inadvertently moan before pressing in closer to Jack feeling the strength in the man as he wrapped his arms around him holding him so close, so safe in his embrace.

As the kiss deepened Daniel’s body began to tense and images began to dance before his eyes taunting him. He released a choked scream as he closed his eyes and felt the shackles on his wrists as they tightened, saw in his mind’s eye how he yanked desperately against them, felt the panic when he realized he was trapped with no escape and shuddered as arms that had felt so relaxed now felt like they were imprisoning him. He broke the kiss tearing himself away from Jack, shoving him away and staring in surprise as he noticed who was now with him. Jack, Jack was with him and he had thought…oh God! He wrapped his arms around himself tightly in a self comforting gesture trying to ward off the sudden chills that had found him, trying to recall what they had been talking about and when it came to him he managed to force out a tense, “Talk about what Jack?”

Jack stared at him shocked and confused by the reactions, the mixed signals Daniel was letting off. One minute he seemed fine, normal, responsive and the next minute he was afraid, edgy and nervous as hell. What the hell just happened?

Jack shook his head before managing a reply, “This. We need to talk about this…the attraction between us.”

“What…what attraction?”

Shaking his head in frustration Jack began, “Don’t play this off Daniel. You know what I’m talking about.”

Daniel shook his head unable to deny what was so obviously present. Jack approached softening his voice as he continued, “You may say there’s nothing here between us. You may even deny that you feel anything for me but you’d be lying to yourself Dan…”

“DANIEL!”

“Daniel you’d be lying to yourself.”

“Why do you always call me by that…that name?”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“No. No I’m not. I hate that name why…why do you have to use it. I hate it!”

“Daniel, don’t do this.”

“Do what Jack?”

“Try to avoid this, try to ignore your feelings for me. Don’t.”

“Jack I can’t…I can’t do… You don’t understand. I can’t…I can’t fall in love.”

“I’d say you’re already in love, Daniel. With me.”

“No. No it wouldn’t…it could never work.”

“And why not?”

“Because I could never give you what you want.”

Jack gently grasped Daniel’s upper arms softening his voice further staring intently into his eyes as he confessed, “What I want Daniel Jackson is you. I want you. No other, only you.”

“But Jack…”

“No. NO! I…this isn’t easy for me but it is the truth. I want you Daniel and not for a few hours or days. I want you forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you.”

Daniel’s eyes widened and he yanked free as he snapped, “Well you can’t have me! I’m not something to be owned or possessed! You can’t have me! He couldn’t have me and you can’t have me! I won’t allow it! I won’t!”

“I love you Daniel.”

Daniel froze staring at Jack in shock feeling both euphoric and sad at the same time not sure what to say, fishing for words before managing, “You…really? You…you don’t just want to own me?”

“Own you? What? No. No. I love you. When you love someone you don’t own them, you don’t. What would ever make you think that Daniel?”

“I…I need… I need some space. Please I…”

“Daniel, don’t do this. Don’t run away from us, from this.”

Daniel halted before continuing, “I’m not running. I’m…I’m adjusting. You don’t understand. I… No one’s ever, well Layla but…you…and my parents but you… I… You don’t understand Jack. There’s so much more you don’t know about me, so much, so, so much… I, you… I…”

“Daniel I don’t care about that. I love you…”

“And I can’t do this not here, not now. I…I just can’t. I’m sorry Jack…so, so sorry.”

With those words uttered Daniel felt the sadness overwhelm him and the pain in his heart consume him. He couldn’t give Jack O’Neill what he wanted. He just couldn’t, for that meant sacrificing too much, that meant sacrificing his heart, that meant sacrificing himself and he wasn’t sure if he could ever do that. He had made a vow that he would never love again because it hurt too much to love. Everyone he had ever loved went away and left him alone. He didn’t think he could bear the loss of another he loved dearly and that admission nearly crushed him as he felt as if his heart were being torn right out of his chest. He felt a lone tear slip down his cheek and quickly dashed it away before turning to leave certain Jack uttered his name again but unable to respond. Instead he walked away seeking solace as his heart continued to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.

* *

It was several hours before she came to him. He knew she would find him eventually for she knew every one of his havens. She knew him so well. He wanted to leave, to escape, to get away for he wasn’t yet ready to face another but she was a stubborn woman and chose to approach him pressing a hand beneath his chin as she urged him to look at her before saying his name. He slowly raised his head and gazed into her worry filled eyes as she said, “He came to me earlier wanting to know where you were. He said he needed to speak with you, that things…happened and he wanted to talk about them.”

“I…I know.”

“He loves you very much, Daniel, and he fears he hurt you.”

“No, no he wasn’t the one who… He wasn’t the one.”

She nodded before continuing, “You can’t spend the rest of your days running from him, you know? He will pursue you.”

He wanted to deny her words, to tell her she was wrong but knew that Jack O’Neill would probably pursue him into the fiery depths of hell if needs be and that knowledge alone terrified him. He shook his head before uttering a soft, “Why?”

“Because he believes you are worth fighting for Daniel. It was hard for him to admit his true feelings for you. He’s fought it for so long, fought the attraction, fought the yearning, fought so hard but in the end he couldn’t deny how he feels about you. He… In the end he couldn’t deny what he knew was already in his heart. It took a lot of strength, a lot of courage for him to make such an admission…”

“And I ran from him like a coward, Layla, like a coward.”

Sensing the depth of Daniel’s sorrow and pain she pulled him into her arms holding him close as she said, “To love is a big risk for you. You are so very afraid that you will lose all those who love you. Perhaps you may even believe that you are cursed, but you are not. If you were then you would have lost me long ago. I’m still here Daniel and Jack is still here. We aren’t going anywhere and you cannot put your life on hold forever because of a past that you could not avoid. You love him as much as he loves you so go to him, tell him, allow him into your heart Daniel.”

He swallowed hard staring vacantly at the darkness beyond as he clung to Layla as she did to him. He knew that she was right but he was so afraid and so scared. He closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall refusing to allow them escape as he managed “But what if I can’t do that Layla? What if I can’t allow him entrance? What if… Layla I can barely tolerate another’s touch. How, how am I supposed to tolerate his?”

“By trusting him, by trusting in him, by believing that he won’t harm you as you fear. It won’t be easy, Daniel, but ask yourself can you live the rest of your life knowing that your heart is with another, one you denied, one you pushed away? Can you live the rest of your life knowing that you have allowed someone you love to get away because of fear? Can you do that, Daniel?”

He remained silent unable to answer her question for he knew what it would be already: he would die of a broken heart. He would die knowing that his love was forever placed in the hands of one he drove away. He couldn’t live like that, could he? Knowing that he loved someone he could never have, someone he might never see again? Could he live out the rest of his days without his heart? He licked his lips and swallowed harder as he managed to utter softly, “What do I do, Layla? What can I do?”

“You can go to him and tell him how you feel.”

“No I can’t. I’m…I’m… I can’t tell him…”

“He will understand, Daniel.”

“Will he?”

“He loves you, Daniel. He will understand.”

“But, but…”

“Go to him, Daniel. Don’t let your happiness walk out the door. You deserve to love and be loved in return. You deserve to be happy. Don’t let your uncle steal that from you as well.”

Tensing upon the mention of his uncle Daniel felt sudden anger enter that his uncle could still haunt him, still control him from the grave. Layla was right. He had to fight, to fight for what he wanted and he had to do so soon for if he failed he would never forgive himself.

* *

No, no, no, NO! He screamed loudly in his head. Please no, not again. Please!

He struggled to keep silent and still, as still as a statue as he heard his bedroom door swooshing across the carpet. He was no longer alone and he wanted to scream. Instead he forced himself to focus on calming his breathing, on keeping it even and deep, on remaining still upon the bed gripping the covers to him self as he lay curled inward on himself. Maybe if he made himself appear asleep, appear smaller it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe if he just pretended then he’d be left alone tonight, maybe…

He continued to focus on keeping his breathing even while inside, inside he was screaming. As he felt the dip in the bed beside him he knew he was no longer alone. No. God no! Surely he’d be left alone, surely! Please God! Surely he wouldn’t…not when he was asleep, surely.

He tensed as a hand touched his arm trying desperately to maintain the false air of being asleep. As the one now with him pressed a kiss to his cheek he wanted to scream, tried to scream, opened his mouth to scream but found that he remained silent for who would hear him? He was alone. He had nowhere to go, no one who cared for him. Oh sure his uncle claimed to care but the things he did, the things he said…

“I’m so sorry Danny…”

He tensed further as the false apologies started, the precursor to the hell he’d soon have to endure. God why? Why would he bother? Didn’t he realize that he was fast asleep? Why would he still…? WHY?

Daniel jerked upright in his bed unaware that he had screamed loudly and quickly wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to provide self-comfort. He swallowed hard, clenching his eyes tightly shut as he rocked slightly, nearly screaming again as his door flew open. He snapped his eyes open, and upon seeing Layla relaxed immediately.

Layla had heard him cry out and knew that he had been dreaming again so she quickly made her way to his room, upon seeing him she rushed to his side pulling him into her arms hushing him and asking softly, “Are you all right Daniel?”

He swallowed hard clinging to her as he managed to regain his voice and answered, “Um yeah. Yes. Why are…why are you here?”

“I heard you cry out.”

“I didn’t…”

“Yes you did.”

“But…”

“I knew that it was you, that you were dreaming again.”

Daniel shook his head as he muttered, “Remembering Layla, I was remembering.”

She held him close softly inquiring, “What were you dreaming of?”

Unable to look at her Daniel forced out, “Things…the things he did to me at…at night. Layla why…why am I dreaming, remembering again? I don’t want to remember.”

She held him tighter gently rocking him aware that the motion would soothe him. She gentled her voice further as she answered, “Because you are in love, but too afraid to surrender your heart, little one.”

“What? No, no I’m not…”

“Oh Daniel I know. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it when you look at him. You love him. You love him very much.”

“No, no I don’t…I don’t love…”

“Oh yes you do Daniel, yes you do. I can tell. You are deeply in love and are so very afraid.”

“Afraid? Of what?”

“That he will hurt you as your uncle did. He won’t Daniel. They are two very different people your Jack and he.”

“My…my Jack?”

“Yes.”

Feeling a shudder run through him as he softly hissed she increased her gentle rocking knowing, sensing he was still half trapped in the dream he was having. She listened to him aware that he still clung to her and had since buried his head against her. She closed her eyes sensing his vulnerability. The memory was too fresh. He was having difficulty settling and forgetting. She refused to yield her hold so familiar with his reactions to disturbing memories that she knew what to do, what to say to help him through them. He would remain silent for several more minutes trying to forget, trying to file the newest memory away. Unable to stop it from playing through his head in vivid techno color, unable to stop the dream where he had awoke, for it was no dream he had had but a memory, another flashback and unfortunately for Daniel flashbacks were very real to him. As she felt another shudder run through his stiff body she became aware that he had since drawn his legs towards his chest attempting to curl and collapse inward on himself, an old defense she knew all too well.

Next she became aware of the slight dampness against her. He had shed a few tears though her poor Daniel rarely cried. She feared he had forgotten how to do so long ago. To determined to show, to prove to everyone that he was strong and that he could survive anything. He would speak soon she knew he would.

As if on cue he turned his head still clinging to her, still curled inward on himself as he managed, “I hated him. I hated what he did to me, what he put me through. I…I don’t want to remember. I don’t need to remember. I, Jack… I,” quieting his voice he began to speak one of his fears aloud, “Layla what if I can’t do it?”

“Do what little one?”

“Give him my heart, surrender to him, allow him to comfort me as you so easily do… I fear… I’m afraid of…of being hurt, being used, being abused again. Do you think Jack…?”

“Oh no. No little one, no I don’t believe he would ever raise a hand against you. No.”

“But if I surrender, allow him to touch me intimately… He could use that against me Layla and I don’t think… I can’t do that again. I can’t allow another to… I can’t Layla. I can’t.”

“And you won’t have to…”

“But how can you be so certain? How can I… How?”

“Trust him Daniel. Trust him and trust in him. Jack loves you very much my precious one. I do not believe you have a need to fear him or his motives.”

“You always hurt the ones you love…”

“No Daniel, no. Jack won’t harm you.”

“But how can you…? How do I…? I want to trust him Layla I do but the memories, the old fears what if they… What if I push him away?”

“You must tell him.”

“Tell him? Tell him what Layla that I fear touch, that I could scream or cringe when he touches me, that I love him but fear him?”

“Yes.”

“I…I don’t know if I can do that Layla.”

“You must try.”

“And if he turns from me then what?”

“You accept his choice and you move on.”

“No. It’s too risky, too… No.”

“Daniel I don’t believe that Jack will leave you.”

“But he could…”

“And he won’t. He cares much too much for you. It would destroy him.”

“No it wouldn’t it…”

“Daniel do you not know?”

“Know what?”

“You hold his heart in your hands. He has already surrendered it to you just as you have given him yours.”

Daniel fell silent understanding what she was saying and knowing he had to act but afraid to do so.

PART 7

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